The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
