Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
