I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
