Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize