part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
