I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
