Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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