I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize