Pregnant stripper...not hot.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
