yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
