I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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