You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
