it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
