it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
3 2 1 whiskey
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
