can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
