Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
