Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Don't make out with my wife yet
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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