yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
