I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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