I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
