I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Are we still banned from the library?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
