Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
