I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
