At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
