Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
i've created a new STD.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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