A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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