Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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