can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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