Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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