Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
