I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
