I accidentally burped into my bong.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize
