Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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