if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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