I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
the raccoons are back...
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