I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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