i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
