fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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