Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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