she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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