I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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