I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I love you. Go after that dick
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
