Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Im part way to drunk.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
