Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
birth control should be required to get into college
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
