After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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