so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
