the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
