she woke up with a sticky ear
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
