I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize
