sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
