After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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