My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Randomize