The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
