I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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