I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
