I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I don't deserve a penis
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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