I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
