I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
