I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
