I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
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