if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
