Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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