My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
