How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
