I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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