I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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