dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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