glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
