I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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